One day, Larten will stop drinking
by DayaLuna
Summary: AU Larten often does stupid things when he's drunk. This was one of his most scarring adventures. Waring male slash. Writer's not completely sane at the time. Don't like, don't read.


**Me+My Friend+Holiday+Alcohol=The randomness you are about to read.**

Note from Abyss_of_flames: Yeah... I don't know how KevinxLarten became something I ship... curse Turkish bars and not getting 'buy one get one free' means 2 drinks not 4! And curse Daya for having a computer with her and making me write this!

Ah who am I kidding, I loved it!

Useful note: In this random AU, Kevin Regnard is a vampire, didn't go to abyss and legally contracted the Mad Hatter when he was 270-ish (27 in appearance, hence no aging).

**Daya: I know you did that's why I made you write it duh!**

Abyss_of_flames: ...Fair do's Daya. Anywho - if you don't like male slash turn away now, if you don't like the sound of implied male sex, stop half way down, if you don't give a crud, by all means read on!

Also Daya says no flames, but I wrote it and I don't care if I'm flamed or not.

So... yeah - STORY TIME!

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><p>The year was unimportant, the time even more so, Vampire Mountain bustling with the noise of thousands of night creatures gathered in the Hall of Khledon Lurt where the tables were supporting barrels of ale and the occasional vampire who was too drunk to lift his head from the table for fear of retching.<p>

However our story focuses on a particular set of vampires who were not yet flopped on the table wishing they'd drunk less.

We start with our hero – Larten Crepsley, young, well-mannered, orange-haired and very, _very_ drunk.

Staggering down one of the tables, Larten paused seeing the familiar pale hair of his master, Seba Nile. Making a beeline for the old vampire, who for reasons Larten couldn't fathom was not wearing his usual red, but an attractive green ensemble that showed off the vampire's slight figure. Wait... Seba's slight figure? What had Larten been drinking?

"Herro Shebba," Larten started as he more or less fell onto the bench beside his master, blinking in confusion as a pair of red eyes turned to look at Larten, the smooth, unwrinkled features clearly not that of his six hundred-and-something master.

The person smiled, "I'm afraid you've probably got the wrong person," they said in a voice that to Larten's ale-bathed brain sounded like a chorus of angels – this woman was gorgeous!

"Perhalps," Larten admitted as he looked admiringly at the woman, "but I berieve, I've found somean more bootiful."

The woman chuckled, "I do hope you meant 'beautiful' and haven't been staring at my ass."

Larten laughed – he liked a woman with a sense of humour!

"Seba..." Paris Skyle started looking across the tables in the hall at a set of two young looking vampires.

"Hmm? Something the matter Paris?" the younger vampire asked looking up from his wine.

"I think I see Kevin and your young apprentice sitting together," Paris said, a hint of uncertainty in his voice.

Seba blinked, "is there something wrong with that?"

"There is when Larten is edging toward Kevin's lap."

Seba started and leaned forward, certain his old friend was lying. He wasn't. Larten was currently snuggling Kevin's arm, his lips moving – presumably some drunken nonsense or attempts at, what did the humans say, 'pick-up lines'.

"Son of a cur..." Seba mumbled, transfixed by the sight.

"Seba?" started a young voice as one of the guards came over, Seba's other assistant, Wester. "Who's that girl with Larten, she's really pretty, you know, by female vampire standards."

Paris and Seba blinked like fools for a moment. Kevin? A female? Unthinkable. One only had to look at his... Slight muscles... Soft features... Defined hips... Charna's guts!

"I do not know," Seba said almost mechanically, his mind elsewhere whilst he looked at Kevin, noting that Kevin appeared more effeminate with each passing second.

"Sire, do you know?" Wester asked, turning the question to the vampire Prince.

"I'm afraid not, Wester," Paris answered, also slightly stunned by the revelation.

"Oh, alright, I'll just ask Larten after he wakes tomorrow," Wester said, dismissing the elder vampires lies without a thought as he went back to his own table.

"You know, now that I am looking," Seba began.

"Kevin looks very much like a woman," Paris continued.

"An easy mistake," Seba rationalised.

"Of course, anyone would fall for it at first."

"But Kevin would not go along with it."

"No, of course not... Would he?"

The two old vampires watched in silent horror as Larten attempted to 'woo' his 'lady friend' with his usual tricks. What was worse was Kevin's laughter and encouragement.

"Charna's guts... He is going along with it!" Paris hissed.

"Bloody cur. If he does not end this soon they will end up in a coffin together."

Soon the hall was ripe with chatter about the two young vampires who appeared to be hitting it off, some thought it sweet, others adventitious on 'the woman's part', other's still either knew or had worked out the truth of the matter and were trying with all their might not to burst out in fits of laughter.

"Who's that woman with Larten?", "Who's that drunken rascal with Kevin?", "I didn't know Larten bent that way.", "What I wouldn't give to be in Larten's place", "Serves Kevin right for wearing that thing – it looks like a bloody dress!", "Poor Larten, he'll get a shock when they get in private." Were just a few of the statements floating through the hall.

"I will never live this down," Seba said sullenly, putting his face in his hands.

"Neither will Larten," Paris added, watching as Kevin allowed Larten to peck him on the cheek.

Seba looked up in time to see the kiss, "By the gods I am doomed!" he howled in despair.

Paris smiled sympathetically, "cheer up, friend. More than half the vampires here are under the impression Kevin is female. You could still walk away from Council with your honour and dignity."

"Perhaps, but if you find me in the morning attempting to drown myself in a barrel of ale, please do not stop me."

"You make it sound like the world's going to end!" Vancha laughed hearing Seba's distress, "Kevin makes a pretty girl at the best of times – let him entertain Larten and enjoy it, you're only going to pick on him in the morning when his hangover kicks in anyhow."

Seba blinked at the newly promoted Prince, "he does, Sire?"

Vancha cocked his head, "... Yes, I've mistaken him on more than one occasion – quickly been put in my place though – but really with his long hair and hips like that, I'm surprised more drunken idiots don't attempt to mate with him."

Seba thought on this a moment before chuckling to himself, if Vancha was speaking the truth, people fell for Kevin on a near regular basis – which would probably explain why the old vampire tended to avoid people at Council, only attending to greet those he had befriended, such as Seba and Paris.

That was another thing. Seba turned to Paris, "Do you think Kevin will inform his young suitor of their age difference?" he asked with a wicked grin.

Paris snickered into his wine, thankful he hadn't drunk from it before Seba spoke, "I would like to see poor Larten's face at that."

"How old _is_ he?" Vancha asked sipping his milk.

"Around my age," Seba said with a straight face, only cracking a smile when Vancha promptly began to choke on his drink.

"W-what?" he spluttered. "He looks younger than Larten!"

As the three elder vampires continued their discussion Larten thought it best to try his final trick – the one that always got the girl to follow him to his bed.

"Mhrumphsha?" or it would have, could Larten get his tongue to obey him. Honestly, he really shouldn't have drunk so much.

Kevin looked at the young vampire a moment, determined not to laugh. He failed.

"I-I'm sorry, what?" he said through fits of giggles.

Larten tried again, this time managing to get 'join' and 'comfy' to stand out amongst the babble.

Kevin smiled sympathetically, "Do you want me to help you to your coffin, dear?"

Larten nodded like a happy puppy, a huge smile on his lips.

"Alrighty," Kevin said in a motherly tone as he helped Larten up.

"They've got up," Vancha pointed out, pointing to the two male vampires, Larten nothing short of draped around Kevin for support.

Paris and Seba looked over.

"You are right, perhaps Kevin has taken pity on the boy and is taking him back to his room," Seba said, noting the green colour Larten was turning.

"That or Larten is trying for a..." Paris paused trying to remember the human's term, "... A 'quickie'."

Seba and Vancha promptly began choking on air at the thought, the older of the two almost falling off his seat, "Paris, please!" Seba cried once he was able to breathe.

Vancha whined, "Charna's guts, Paris – mental images!" as he rubbed his eyes vigorously as though he could erase the thoughts that had resulted from Paris' statement.

Paris snickered, "my apologies; however that does appear to be Larten's intent."

"Larten," Kevin said trying to attract the drunken vampire's attention.

"Yesh?" Larten managed, looking at Kevin in adoration as they reached the entrance to Larten's room.

"I'm afraid there's something I need to tell you."

Larten cocked his head, brows furrowed like a child trying to comprehend something vitally important – it was really too sweet.

"What's da matter?"

"I'm a male, Larten," Kevin started, putting Larten down on the lid of his coffin. "My name is Kevin Regnard and contrary to popular belief I am not some beautiful maiden."

Kevin turned to leave when he was called back by a stunned (and apparently sober) Larten.

"Wait. Y-you are not a woman?"

"No, and even if you swung the other way – which I'm assuming you don't – I don't have sex with intoxicated people," Kevin said flatly, wondering if he should go back to the food hall.

"But..." Larten began, "you... You look like one, I can practically _smell_ flowers on you!" the young vampire cried, unwilling to believe his love's words.

Kevin frowned. "It's called washing, Larten. Try it sometime," he said flatly.

"No... No this cannot be!" Larten cried in denial.

"Oh for the love of the gods Larten!" Kevin started, striding toward the drunk vampire. Kevin grabbed Larten's hand and plunged it forward into Kevin's more... _personal_ parts.

Larten stared at his groping hand with wide eyes, half shocked by Kevin's forwardness, half by the bulge under his hand that was most certainly _not_ a female attribute.

"Do you believe me now or do I have to flash?" Kevin asked glaring at Larten, releasing the younger's hand which fell limply to the ground.

"...H-how... Why..." Larten continued to jibber as Kevin turned on his heel and swiftly left Larten's room.

Back in the Hall of Khledon Lurt Seba, Paris and Vancha looked up to see a slightly angry looking Kevin return, quickly locate the three and stride toward them.

"Seba, your assistant is a blithering idiot," he said flatly as he sat beside the gray-haired vampire and demanded some wine.

Paris smiled sympathetically and handed Kevin a glass of said red liquid, "hard time?"

"Very," Kevin grumbled, "most accept it after taking a better look but he wasn't having any of it."

"How did you convince him otherwise?" Seba inquired, only slightly offended by his friend's remark – after all, the man had every right to be furious with Larten.

"I grabbed his hand and thrust it at my crotch," Kevin said vehemently, downing the wine in one. Paris refilled it nonchalantly.

"Poor fool, I gather he got a surprise from that," Vancha said, half-smiling.

"Says the man who regularly has to give me a quick frisk to check I've not gained certain assets since the last time we met," Kevin retorted sarcastically. There was a moment of silence before the four vampires burst out laughing.

"Are you offering?" Vancha joked.

Kevin chuckled and lent on Seba, who was sat next to him, "No, I think I'd rather entertain these wrinkly chaps."

Seba chuckled, threading his fingers absently into Kevin's hair, "cheeky beggar."

Paris smiled knowingly at the two and rose, "Well, I'm going back to my coffin, lest I end up befriending a bucket in the morning." Paris wasn't the only one with this idea, many vampires had since left the hall since Kevin had led Larten away and the few that were left were either sleeping on the table, or soon to be heading to bed themselves.

Vancha chuckled, looking at Seba and Kevin, "I suppose I should go too and give you two some privacy?"

"Up to you, we probably won't get past hot make-out session," Kevin said with an evil smirk. Seba cuffed him around the ear.

Vancha laughed at the two, "daw~, a love-hate relationship is it?"

"Only when Paris joins in," Kevin said evilly. Vancha coughed, the colour in his face draining slightly.

"Pardon? Paris 'joins in'?"

Seba snickered, "Oh yes, quite frequently. Come Kevin, I think we best leave Sire March."

Kevin laughed and placed an arm around Seba's waist to support the slightly smaller man as they left, each grinning evilly at the young Prince, who was once again assaulted by terrifying images.

The next day after Larten had finally managed to stumble from his room and spend a moment in the Hall of Perta Vin Grahl, under the freezing shower of the natural waterfall, he made his way to the games room - the Hall of Corza Jarn.

Arra Sails smiled at him as he entered, "heard you had fun last night Larten!" she chuckled at Larten's face drained of colour.

"Ah relax, I was talking with Kevin this morning, he said you had expressions that rival cute puppies!" she said, clearly enjoying the man's suffering.

"Where is Kevin anyway?" Larten said after a moment, "I should probably apologize to him."

"On the bars," Arra answered with a crooked smile, "looks to be having fun wouldn't you say?"

Larten blinked and raised his eyes to the bars where seven vampires were perched, each with a long stick which they were trying to use to knock each other from the bars. After a moment however, Larten realised it was not every-man-for-themselves but rather six-on-one, and the one was Kevin.

He moved swiftly, ducking, dodging and blocking each of his foes attempts to knock him off.

"He's been up there about half an hour now," said Arra, "knocked me off twice."

Larten stared, it was near impossible to move Arra when she was on the bars and yet as the cries of two vampires informed him, Kevin could do it with apparent ease.

It took less than ten minutes before Kevin had once again cleared all other vampires from the bars.

"... I can't believe I mistook _that_ for a recently blooded female," Larten muttered under his breath, swearing – not for the first time – that he would never drink again.


End file.
